Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Now For Something Completely Pointless.........

Did you ever notice how Mutant abilities or superpowers are always USEFUL? like heat vision or super strength or eye beams etc.? Who says Mutant powers must always be hero or villain friendly? With this in mind I submit the following for your consideration…

Alice Crosley’s mother worked in a Chock Full O’ Nuts factory, near Area 51, during the height of the cold war. Unbeknownst to her the coffee beans she took home from the factory that day had been exposed to high concentration of Delta rays! Now many years later Alice is imbued with the ability to make a perfect cup of coffee from ANY bean at all! She is the scourge of Starbucks…she is JAVA Girl! (with her side kick FRAPPE Boy)

Jeff Larson was an attendant in a Metropolis Men’s Room when Superman and the Parasite smashed through the wall engaged in battle. The resulting mix of yellow sun Super powers and parasite radiation eradicated Larson’s chronic constipation transforming him into…REGULARITY MAN!

Kolchak Carlson was a chronic snorer. In final frustration his wife, Alice Kravitz Carlson attempted to poison him in his sleep. Unbeknownst to her the poison she used had been exposed to a radioactive batch of baked beans. Now whenever he sleeps Kolchak becomes the beacon of blast! The roar of gore…windows shatter…houses shake…he is THE SNORE!

Waffle Jones was off loading the weekly shipment of comics to CBJ. When opening a box he noticed a strange glowing Trade paperback with a character he had never seen. Suddenly a wave of weakness came over him and Waffle passed out for a day and a night. When he woke Waffle found to his delight that he could now recall every comic ever written (whether he had actually read them or not) and now he is the resource of renown for comic historians everywhere…he is WIKI MAN with his trusty sidekick dog, Research Pup!

While sipping on a Martini this writer failed to notice his lifelong nemesis tea Toddler girl, slip a radioactive olive into his drink. Now in times of peril, when terrorists strike and Jack Bauer is going rogue…I fling swizzle sticks with deadly accuracy…and drunkify my enemies into submission with my powerful alcohol breath… for I am THE INIBRATOR!

Mild mannered Golf Champion Tiger Jones (I could get sued saying Woods!) was kidnapped by the evil Stanley Krubrik and exposed to a MILLION hours of old Porn Films. NOW in times of peril or stress Tiger indiscriminately couples with hitherto unknown Adult Film Stars…(you wouldn’t like him when he’s frisky)…he is THE INCREDIBLE WOODSY!!!

Ok enough silliness. 24…the last six episodes! Be there!

That’s 30!

Mitch

1 comment:

Cat Jones said...

That's not true, there have been mutants with useless powers. Here are a few: 1.) Eye Scream. What was his power? He could turn into any flavor of ice cream he wanted. 2.) Jazz. His power? He has blue skin. That's it. 3.) U-Go-Girl. Teleportation, but no more than five feet, so if you need to travel six feet away, you're screwed. 4.) Beak. His mutant power? He looks like an ugly bird, and can fly, terribly. 5.) Lorelei Travis. Her power? Prehensile hair. She can control her hair, that's it.

Just thought I'd pass those along, lol.