Thursday, February 9, 2012

Coldfire's Laws

Some Random Comic Book Observations

My last few columns have been of the more hard core collecting nature. So this week I thought I’d just jot down some observations I have as a comic book reader. Or as I like to refer to them, Coldfire’s Laws:
Coldfire’s Law #1:

Superheroes never need to use the toilet during a fight. (or any other time now that I think of it) This may be their greatest superpower as the rest of us almost always have to pull over during long drives.

Coldfire’s Law #2

If you live in close proximity (or even on the same planet) to a Superhero, you really need to take out insurance against property damage. Don’t these guys ever take it “outside”?

Coldfire’s Law #3

Spandex looks a WHOLE lot better on Superheroes than fans. Just go to any ComicCon if you don’t believe me.

Coldfire’s Law #4

In any fight between ANY two characters, Batman wins because well… he’s the G*D D***ED Batman! Sorry Wolverine fans, live with it.

Coldfire’s Law #5

Women in comics defy gravity in more ways than one.

Coldfire’s Law #6

Aquaman gets no respect. He is the Rodney Dangerfield of superheroes.

Coldfire’s Law #7

If you collect comics long enough you WILL run out of living space. Be prepared to displace your family at a moment’s notice in order to keep your collection intact. Kicking your loved ones to the street IS cruel but would you REALLY rather get rid of your entire run of Walking Dead? Nuff said.

Coldfire’s Law #8

The citizens of Metropolis are stupid on a GALACTIC scale. How else can you explain the fact that no one has ever noticed that Clark Kent and Superman are the only men in the city with blue hair? (There are a few 70+ little old ladies and high school COS players sporting blue hair but they don’t count)

Coldfire’s Law #9

Spiderman, Batman, Daredevil and any other hero or villain who SWINGS at the end of any sort of line MUST be using a helicopter service. What else could they POSSIBLY be swinging from??

Coldfire’s Law #10

The Green Lantern Corps is the coolest Superhero Group because they have an actual BAR on OA. You never see the JLA or Avengers tossing a few back at the Galactus Bar And Grill.

Coldfire’s Law #11

“It’s Clobberin Time!” and “SNIKT!”… Timeless

“Avengers Assemble” and “Imperious Rex”…MEH… I mean seriously “Imperious Rex?” what does that even mean!?!? And how intimidating is “Assemble”? Might as well be “Avengers Mill About” or “Avengers Mingle”…sigh


That’s 30!


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